Hello, Baby! Goodbye, Freedom.

Gosh I love my little girl.  I love her more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone.

But I have to be honest.

Vulnerable, scary honest.

I miss my freedom.

Just now I had to write a humbling email to a nonprofit for which I enthusiastically volunteered a few months back to tell them that I couldn’t finish my commitment.  As the former director of a nonprofit, that email is not a fun one to receive.  We put a lot of work into training our volunteers, and it’s very discouraging to see them “flake” out.

But you know what feels even worse?  Being the one to write it.  I hate not being able to follow through on my commitment.  I hate being the “flake.”

There is no way right now, though.  After a dry sales season, my Realtor husband has picked up several leads, and he has been working literally seven days a week, including some evenings.  He’s no longer able to watch our daughter for me so that I can get out of the house for a few hours.  Most of our extended family lives far away (like 2,000 miles), so they aren’t able to help.  My husband’s mom helps out sometimes, but she is recovering from a complicated hand surgery and can’t seem to catch a break.  Plus even she lives an hour away.

So it leaves me, pretty much on my own, with an adorable (when she’s not writhing in pain from teething) little girl.

Gosh it’s exhausting.

So here’s my honest vent:

I miss being in control of my schedule.

I miss the days when I could run a quick errand whenever I wanted.

I miss being able to meet up with a friend for lunch to chat without distraction.

I miss being able to work on projects — paid, volunteer, or just for fun — for hours on end without interruption.

I miss being able to do anything for hours on end without interruption.

Oh, and I miss being able to stay out past 7:00 at night.

I wouldn’t go back.  I wouldn’t trade my circumstances for anything.  But becoming a mom is WAY harder than I thought it would be.

For anyone else struggling with the same thoughts and feeling racked by guilt because of it, you’re not alone.

End rant.  Baby’s awake.

Photo Credit:  freestocks.org, https://unsplash.com/@freestocks