Unexpected Triggers

Grief is not a simple process. It doesn’t move predictably, or even forward much of the time. It’s more cyclical. A few steps forward, a few steps back.

Today I briefly took a couple steps back into pain, at the dentist’s office of all places. I was due for x-rays, and the assistant confirmed, “You’re not pregnant, correct?”

No. No, I’m not.

While they developed the x-rays, I pulled out my phone and checked Facebook. At the top of the newsfeed was a comment that my good friend is going into labor.

“That could be me,” I thought. “That should be me.”

I had my first miscarriage in early February of this year, so when I got pregnant again two months later, we prayed all the more that the baby would “stick.” We nicknamed him/her Gummy Bear. My family and friends assured me everything would be okay.

My good friend had just announced that she was pregnant too. Somehow that eased the pain of the first loss and my worries that it would happen again. The timing seemed meant to be. We could share in this life-changing journey together!

But then on Mother’s Day weekend, of all times, I lost baby #2.

Gummy Bear would have been due this month. Celebrating the arrival of my friend’s newborn will be bittersweet in the truest sense.

My faith is my only strength. I know that God is good, He is with me, and He has a plan, even if I can’t see it.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 NIV

“My times are in Your hands.” Psalm 31:15a NIV

Photo Credit:  Volkan Olmen, https://unsplash.com/@volkanolmez