What ADHD Feels Like

Adderall slows everything down. It clears the haze. It removes the excess.  (I haven’t taken any in days because we’re trying to get pregnant.  Hence the messy brain.)

For me, having ADHD feels like all of my thoughts are balloons that keep slipping out of my hand. But when I’m on medication, those balloons have really long strings, and I can catch them before they fly away.

For me, ADHD feels like confusion. Sometimes my mind feels full of unimportant half thoughts, leaving no room for useful, full thoughts.

I’m constantly misplacing things. I’m constantly forgetting what I was supposed to be doing and getting distracted by interesting but poorly timed tasks. Even showering is laborious because I can’t remember if I already shampooed my hair or if I still need to do it.

Most of my life I was taught that I was normal. Lazy, irresponsible, and undependable, but normal. There was no excuse for my behavior other than a moral failing. I needed to try harder.

Getting diagnosed with ADHD as an adult has been both heartbreaking and relieving. I now know that it’s not my fault that I get so confused and distracted. It’s not a lack of self-discipline. It’s not that I don’t care. Trying harder cannot fix this. My brain functions a little differently than other people, and I have no control over that.  It’s frustrating to have these limitations, but at least now I can fight the right battles.

Photo Credit: 贝莉儿 NG, https://unsplash.com/@danist07